Burning my Back
by youmakemehappywhenskiesaregrey
Summary: John Winchester runs into an old war buddy who's problems make him think about his life.


**First Supernatural fanfic, set i guess in the first season, maybe a little before. I don't know. All that matters is that John is still alive. The idea came to me when i was trying to sleep, hope you like it!**

John ran into a man from his marine days in a diner and they stopped to talk.

"Long time no see." The man says. His name is Jim. John remembers him. He was a few years older than he was. Jim looks older. More so than he should. He asks John about his life. "You got a family?" He asks.

John nods. "Two boys. All grown up now." He says.

Jim smiles. "Sounds nice. I ain't got any. Wife and I tried but. . ." He shook his head and John understands. "Probably for the best anyhow."

John gives him an encouraging look but Jim just smiles and shakes his head. "You know I stayed on and did two more tours after you got discharged. Got myself up to corporal." He says. "Thought I'd make a career out of it. I wasn't good at anything else." John feels for him. "That didn't happen. Explosion got me hurt. Hurt got me discharged." Jim shrugs. "So I came home and got hitched." He stares off into the distance. "I think I scare the wife. I know I did when I first got married. Used to get so mad. Littlest damn thing would set me off. Sometimes nothing. I used to scream and break things. Hit her once or twice even." He looks as though he feels deep shame for that. John's torn between thinking he should and knowing it's unfair to blame him. "By all rights she should have left me but she didn't. She said we'd get through it and you know what? We did. For the longest time we did. We even tried for a few kids." A look of great sadness passed over his face. "Never could though." He pauses and grins at John. "But I guess that's for the best. Lately I've been getting bad again." His smile disappears. "I keep smelling the jungle. I haven't smelled that in years. When I first got back I'd wake up with the smell of napalm in my nose. You ever woke up with that?"

John says he has. When he first got back he spent a few months where he couldn't get the smell out of his system. He has to think now about what it smelled like and suddenly he can remember clear as day. Jim sees this on his face and knows. He smiles sadly. Apologetically.

"What about your wife?" Jim asks.

"Dead." And suddenly it's not napalm or jungle he can smell it's the smoke and ash of his house burning. He can feel the smoke in his throat and lungs and his eyes tear up just a little like he's still trying to see through it. He can almost feel the heat. And he can feel the hatred and worry he'd felt that night. "House fire. Arson."

Jim makes a sympathizing face which is nice but of course he can't really sympathize because that's not the really the truth. "They catch the guy?" He asks.

John shakes his head. "No."

"Any idea who it was?"

John nods and suddenly he thinks that maybe he can tell Jim because odds are that he'll never see the man again and he's so far off the radar that anything he says can't be traced back to him. "I know who it was." He says firmly. "Bastard came after my son. My baby son."

Jim's eyes go wide and he grits his teeth. "Men like that ain't men." Of course he has no idea why Yellow Eyes was after Sam but John lets him fill in the blanks and believe what he wants cause really it doesn't matter.

Then Jim leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "You go after him John?"

John gives him a long hard look and nods.

"You get him John?"

"Not yet."

And Jim nods, he can respect a man doing everything he can to protect his children. And really that's what John's doing. He's got some idea of what Yellow Eyes plans and he wants to keep Sam from it. Damn kid doesn't understand and he's too afraid to tell him the truth. It's so awful he wants to just stop it before Sam ever has to know. And Dean, well he knows he Dean loves his little brother and maybe it's not fair to expect him to protect Sammy like that but that's the way it is. There's a lot of bad in the world and if he could kill it all before it touches his kids he would but he can't and so he'll teach his kids to kill it too. To protect themselves.

"You be careful going after someone like that." Jim says.

John nods. "I am."

"You close to getting him?"

"Getting closer."

They pause a moment and John wonders if he's like Jim a little. Maybe it wasn't Vietnam that got him, maybe it was the fire. He doesn't like the thought but he thinks it must be true. He can almost always feel the flames on his back. Feel the rage towards Yellow Eyes. Feel the desire to save his children, even if it means hurting them in the process. Because he can handle them hating him, it hurts but if it's what keeps them alive in the process he's willing to do it.

Jim looks away and then back. "You ever feel out of place, John? Like you can't find anyone to talk to?"

John doesn't nod because nodding feels self pitying and he's not a man who likes to indulge in that. But he does know what Jim is talking about.

"Didn't think about it for years." Jim says. "Then I went to a buddy's funeral a year ago and it was like someone pulled the plug. I kept smelling the jungle and feeling the heat. Even when it's cold I feel it. Ain't been this bad since I first got back."

At the mention of Heat John feels a searing heat on his back. Maybe he is like Jim and has something bad he can't get out of his system. Maybe it was the fire that got him. Just like the war got Jim. He doesn't like the thought.

**Thanks for reading!**


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